i wish…

…you knew how much i’m struggling with all the lies i’ve been fed throughout my life;

i’m filled with anger, negativity, despair, betrayal.

mostly betrayal.

betrayed by the people who are supposedly my role models.

it’s hard to even talk about it at times.

i don’t want to feel this way. i want to dispel all negativity right now; i’ve been surrounded by it for way too long…

i want to untie the dead knot.

but all these attachment theories, trauma theories…they aren’t making me feel better. so what if i can put a picture to these theories? they just make it more depressing.

i pray to God that the knot will slowly loosen its tension.

and i can find my inner peace.

one day, when my mind and heart can find a mutual resting place.

“Pourquoi je saigne,
Et pas toi”

escape.

i would like to give up everything right now and just read.

i wanna read all the fiction i possibly can and escape in an imaginary world that seems so real…

sigh.

so tired of all these readings about therapy, a specific problem i’d like to focus on, DSM. can i please have some inner-peace with me? i feel like my creative juices are running dry. i need inspiration. i need theatre. hardcore theatre. i need some crazy, electrifying mind-blowing creativity. i need to be infused with some crazy post-modern ideals. i need some art appreciation.

i need a life.

gahhhh….

i’d like to put myself inside the magic box and just disappear for a while. i think i may enjoy some hermit life with some good books and food.